My oldest two children, Jack and Zoe, are 19 months apart in age. Jack was still very much a baby himself when Zoe was born and because of that they have always been incredibly close to one another. We did everything together, including pack and move to New York City where the two of them spent a great deal of time riding in a double stroller and traveling to and from California on airplanes frequently. They loved the same books, the same activities at the park, and eating the same meals. Jack’s speech delay coupled with Zoe’s ferocious need to learn to be as independent as possible meant that they also began communicating verbally at much the same time. I absolutely understand the terminology behind the phrase “Irish Twins” and can relate to feeling like I was raising two children in parallel despite their year and a half age difference.
For as much as they have been alike, Jack and Zoe couldn’t be more different when it comes to personality. Jack is reserved and calm, assessing each new situation and person carefully before attempting to become an active participant in an activity or conversation. Zoe is gregarious, confident, outspoken and unfazed by unfamiliar territory. She isn’t afraid to try new things, and is physically generally able to excel and rise to any and all challenges with very little lead time. Jack needs to fully understand what he’s getting into in all ways, and often will take weeks to perfect whatever it is before participating in the activity with group of kids. These extraordinarily polarized social personality traits and coping mechanisms make for very different experiences in new situations. They both started in a new school in a new town this week, and the conversations I had with each child separately were as different as they are as individuals.
One of the most important tasks that I have as a parent is learning how to communicate with my children in a way that is sensitive to their needs and effectively translates their feelings and my guidance and understanding. I am incredibly careful with Jack especially, and make sure to approach him as unintrusively as possible. We walk to and from school each day, and that is the perfect time to ask him questions because he’s slightly distracted by the activity and more apt to open up with me. I ask him to tell me the best and worst parts of his day in whichever order he prefers and only if he feels like talking. The first day, the best part was when a new peer passed him the ball at snack recess, the worst part was being alone at lunchtime. The second day, the best part was playing “knockout” with a group of kids and there wasn’t a worst part. There will be a variation of this conversation throughout the year, but I know that building trust with him that he knows that I am a safe place for him and a guiding, supportive influence is the foundation for a healthy relationship and one in which I can hopefully provide some comfort along the way, too.
Zoe is much different when it comes to new situations and topics that might make her uneasy or trepidatious. She isn’t a nervous child and addresses each new situation with a strong attitude and willpower. She is very confident and aware of herself, and presents herself accordingly. At six years old she is still learning about how to process new feelings of uncertainty, and doesn’t hesitate to bring those times to my attention immediately. Communicating with Zoe has always been fairly easy, as she is more than willing to talk to me whenever and wherever I start such a conversation. Given that we walk with Jack on school days, I ask her the same questions about the best and worst parts of her day-needless to say she only had positive things to report and even gushed “Mommy, I love my new school and my new friends and I am just so happy in our new home.” Just as rewarding as you might imagine it was for me in the moment.
These special conversations and relationships I’m building with Jack and Zoe are the foundations to a lifelong relationship. I don’t always know what I’m doing, and have to be mindful not to let my own childhood experiences, fears and insecurities surface so that they don’t filter the very real communication happening with my growing and incredibly intuitive kids. Empathy and understanding are two of the greatest learning experiences of my emotional life, and I’ve tried to use that as tools in my communication with them (and everyone) so that they know that no matter what, I will not judge them and I will love and support them no matter what. Building that kind of trust is the most important thing for me, and I hope that it serves to protect and facilitate any communication around subjects that might not be so easy to address as they get older. The #TalkEarly program that I am not only an ambassador for but also a firm believer in and champion of is essentially giving parents the tools for building the conversation and foundation for creating safe spaces for conversations of all kinds as they get older.
I am not only open to guidance myself as a parent, but greatly value resources that help to facilitate these conversations with my children as they get older and the topics get more complicated. Responsibility.org is helping to build that bridge for me, and I’m happy to share this beautiful video on “conversations” that they put together to serve as a starting point.
We are just dipping our toes into the waters of challenges that older children face socially and emotionally, and I am trying to prepare myself as much as possible in order to be the most solid foundation that they have in their lives. I can’t think of anything more important, and I know that I am certainly grateful for any guidance I can get on the topic myself. The truth is, we really are all just winging it, but I can try to make sure I have a soft landing pad for all of us in the event that we eventually need one.
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